Friday, March 1, 2013

"It Feels Like The End"

Bringing back the blog page today, I had things to share, and there's no character limit on here!

IT'S COMPETITION DAY... I'm a little excited, but I'm also a little sad.

I'm excited for everyone to get to see what we've been doing all year.  What all the blood, sweat, money and tears were for.   I'm pumped to see the kids on stage, in costumes, with their hair and make-up done up all pretty.  And I'm thrilled for the kids because they get to go on stage again so close to home, in front of all of their friends and family.

The sad part might sound kind of selfish, but it is not meant to be.  I'm just not looking forward to letting go of some of these numbers and having them be judged.  I am very emotionally attached to some of my work for the first time in my life this year, and having other people score it might ruin them for me.  Not that I don't think they'll score high, but because I have finally come to realize that the score won't define it.

After last year I feel as though there was a lot of pressure to be "great" this year.  It has made me even more of a perfectionist, harder to please, and my expectations of myself and my dancers has been very high.  However, through all of the successes last year, awards included, it has also made me realize that I don't have anything left to prove to anyone else.  I've proved it, I've won it.  This year I felt like my work could be more self-indulgent. I took more risks. I choreographed some routines from a vulnerable place, and I felt relaxed and happy about all of it.  I think it has made me a better choreographer.  A more demanding teacher, but a much better choreographer.

I have the strongest group of Company dancers I have ever had this year, and I know every single one of them will dance with integrity this weekend.  That is truly all I can ask of them. I've done my job, and I've taught them to do theirs the best they each can... and now I have to let go.

I know people will tell me how amazing things were, even if I don't agree in that moment.  My mind is always thinking ahead, to the next one, or about making it better.  I'm a perfectionist remember.  It's what I do.  But I can promise to my kids that I will clap for you, especially if you dance from your guts.   When you're done, and exhausted, I will tell you how proud I am of you.  And then I will kick your crying parents out of the rehearsal hall when they come to find you after.  That's also what I do!

I'm sharing several bits of my soul on stage this weekend that hopefully everyone will enjoy.  And if you don't, that's fine, go write your own blog about it!

Looking forward to the endless days of hugging, smiling and crying that competitions bring for our studio.

I think that this year more than ever we have a lot to celebrate already... but adding a few more trophies to the party won't hurt!